caroline_ng

 

It's been such a long time since i wrote on here ! 
Oh.. i'm having exams and i hope i can pass my year with out extra exams after the summer ! 
Oohw :( 
My mom isn't happy I can feel it. I just know it. She doesn't tell me, but she doesn't have fun, she doesn't laugh like she use to. She doesn't think like she used to. I know she misses my dad but she pretends that she's immune. She wants to show me she can't be hurt inside. 
I love her so much but i don't know how to tell her. I wish I had the chance to. I wish i can tell her everything before it's too late. 
She doesn't love my step dad, i'm sure of it or else she wouldn't be like this.

She wants to be like before. When my dad took care of her, she wants me to act and model she wants my brother to love her and worship her instead of treating her like crap. 

If i could talk to her i would tell her. 

Listen mom, you should do what makes you happy and if being with the guy you are right now makes you happy than good so be it. But if it doesn't than you're wasting your time, ... life is short and you should take advantage of it ! You should be with the people you love. Mom do you still love dad? I'm sure you do. How can you not love him anymore? You chose him over My Du. Now why can't you chose us ( me and Philippe ) over him?

I wanted you to be the person i could tell everything to, but i can't  ...

I love ou 

Hello it's been awhile.
I don't write much in here anymore because of the lack of time i have.
I just wanted to write down  how i feel.
My brother is being such a BITCH to my mom, it's incredible how he treats her.
My mom's sad. I'm sad, i wish i could be better.
I have to do my best for the exams i need to pass !

Caroline 

I'll get back on here later on.
i don't know when though .

 
Hello ! 
It has been awhile. So let me tell you a little bit about everything.

On March 16, 2009 Sisters Kruys invited me to a Limo party it was a surprise but amazing ! 
I had Congé de Paques, and it was awesome !
I spent the whole vacation at Anny's and Julien's beach residence while my mom was off to Canada to visit Chu Lao. What a bummer.
Well the first week i just watched some clips on the internet and hanged out with Dylan and Laura. 
But my relationship with Laura kind of drifted away cause Anny doesn't like me hanging out with her.
The second weak i worked at the Spar, it got me really tired. I didn't work for school and i regret that now i have a whole bunch to do.
It's weird that i waste my time going online looking for child birth clips and how it feels ...
So yeah today Julien came over to do some painting for my new house.
Philippe my brother i don't know what's wrong with him he makes me upset, i hate it when he talks about his girlfriend, and he's just so moody .
I don't know grr r! I'm mad at him ! 
Well i got to get going for studying

My sister Mydu, she told me i was GROSSE ! 
la grosse la grosse !
That's what she called me :'(

I'll change that !

 Hello.

I don't know what to think anymore ... 
I'm confused ... Sad
Yesterday just changed my life i think. Yen Kieu unblocked me and she told me how much she missed me, and that really touched me.
But I'm so scared of getting hurt again, if i get close to her.
So today i went to the movies with her and Reda, i had fun, but it was kind of awkward, but it still felt like before.... 
I love her so much, i missed her, and i don't know what to say, but she means a whole lot to me !
So when i walked home with Yen Kieu, my dad and Philippe saw me with her ! They got pissed, especially my dad.
He thinks that if i stay a lot with ... Yen Kieu i will become a bad person.
My dad's disappointed in me because he thinks I stay with Yen Kieu, and because i hang out with my sister, My Du.
But why can't my dad try to understand for once ! 
I feel hurt so damn hurt !
My dad came over and we ate like a family. My dad mom and me.
Then my parents got into some fight because my dad says really rude stuff like : 
My Du's kid crys a lot because he's Marokan and he says that Yen kieu is a low life, and he keeps on .. saying negative things and my mom just kicked him out, i couldn't believe it !

Someway i respect my mom less for doing that, but i know my dad did some wrong in there too.
But i'm hurt in someway, i feel a gulp in my throat i feel anxious. I feel sad.
Just .. i don't know .. like everything can't be worse !
I know it can, but i'm hurt, and i felt like crying but i didn't i don't  and can't cry in front of my mom.
But me Caroline Nguyen is just a disappointment to everyone.

Caroline Nguyen
 

Helloo ! I'm back from Anny and Julien's place ! I had fun, i guess i did ! Yesterday was Hanne's 'Birthday" ....Her real birthday is on the twenty-ninth of February 2008.
So for her birthday i ate so much ! :S I had Cake too, and yeah i feel horrible. I feel fat. But not unworthy.Well i do, but i'm working on it. I decided that i'm not going to let myself pull to the negative side. I want to be positive, ... a GOOD person.
And iif that requires for me to work hard for it so be it !I'm going to try my best to be a positive person who has a good time on her own.
My mom's going to Paris. I guess if that make her happy than that's great. She's only going for two days, she'll be back Wednesday, that's what she said, I'm not sure though.
I'll miss her, but maybe it's a good thing she's going, so I'll i have time to clear out my head and control my temper. Philppe didn't come home last night.
I missed him.. :s But that's okay i guess i'll see him today, i do hope so ! I wish i knew how to react towards my MYDU, because she always picking on me, she says mean things, but to show her jealousy, and that gets me pissed.
She's not even trying to have a relationship with me so how can I ;.... be good to her?I miss Juliana and Daniella, they were my best friends in fourth grade.
I really liked them, and i wish i can hae just  a Phone number to contact them.


Caroline ...
I promise myself i'll be better.
I know I'm worth a qujillion bucks :)
I know I'm smart.
I guess I'm not that ugly !
I know i can be cute !
I know I'm loved.
Now all i have to do is accept myself, and have more confidence in me !
I'm worth it, i'll try. Hahhah this journal is like therapy to me :)
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGapTUPsUHI&feature=related

I always wished that i'll have a friend like this, like brooke, peyton, and haley. I know this can exist and i know it does!
I've only expirienced it twice.
1. Caroline, Vi, May
2. Caroline, Yen kieu, Christine
Those friendships influenced my life ! These moments were the best of my life.
We used to have fun, and ... i wish i can expirience it again.

Caroline ,

I have a broken heart. <3 I miss them. More than ever.

» Faire semblant que tout va bien , quand tout va mal . .. Faire croire aux gens qu'on a trop la joie de vivre , juste en affichant un putin de sourire au lèvres , alors que derrière se sourire se cache une souffrance . Je veux revenir a mon passé , revivre des moments que je ne vivrais plus , si seulement on pouvait faire un retour en arriere , J'en serais la premiere a le faire . .. Tellement de gens me manque , tellement d'amitier éloigner . Tout va mal

:S

These words describe how i feel ...

I feel really awful.
Marijke doesn't even love me anymore. She doesn't care about me, that i'm sure of ! She came to visit us ( Anny, Julien, and me ) at the beach, and not once she asked how i was doing, or she didn't even bother talking about me, and it hurts me so much, cause i know she must care about me.
I asked her to look at my magic trick and she didn't want to. Then she asked me if i wanted to sleep over at her place, but i don't want to anymore, since she doesn't care ... so what's the point right?
Then there's Anny and Julien, they seem disappointed in me because I'm not responsible for myself.
They just always expect more from me. And i just can't !
Philip and Christa, they seem like they don't like me anymore.
I miss my mom.

P.S : I messed up again, .. i didn't eat right today. I snacked in between.
I didn't do that much homework.
I just suck, but this sucky girl, i know she can do it.
I can do it and i will .
My dreams will come true.
A skinny intelligent me !

Caroline

Today i made 50 euros. For my school project, Scolidarité.
And i had fun with EMILY and DYLAN.
I wish i were closer to Dylan, he seems like a good person.

P.S : I miss Michael so much. He's the best.

Yen kieu, i love you, i miss you, Christine said it'll take you one more year to talk to me, i hope it will be sooner, my heart hurts so much, and i wish you would be there to heal it. My heart aches, i feel like i dissapoint everyone around me, my tears go down everyday, because i'm not happy without you. I can't really... move on. But i know there's hope. 
I pretend everything's okay, and cry in my bed. You know that right? You know that i cry in my bed when i'm really sad, only you know that.
I love you.
I miss you.
Just come back, little cousin.
I'll do anything.


I ate too much, i didn't exercice enough. People tell me i can't be pefect, but i know i can be better, than what i am.
I hate myself.
I should try to be better to love myself, MORE !

Caroline

Andriana, never loved me, her, i can move on without, she was never really my best friend. She'll be happy without me. That's why i can move on.

Hey !
I guess i suck ! I dissapoint myself !
I always eat too much, ... i don't eat right !
Grr.. but i did go run today !
Ooh i have to .. just keep eating healthy ... i just have to start over. Tomorrow.
I'll be good tomorrow. i will be good, i will be good.
I promise myself, i will eat healthy, i will do some homework, i will gather some money for the poor, i will do some sports, i will play with hanne and stijn, i will be a good person.
I will remind myself everyday.
I will be .. who i want myself to be.

Caroline

P.S : Thanks Emily for helping me gather all that money. I had fun with Dylan and EMILY at OOSTENDE.

Let's take advantage of life honey !

Helloo ...
I woke up at around 9 p.m in the morning. I made the bed, did the dishes, and went to the store, which is only downstairs from Anny's beach apt. 
I ate, a keizerbroodje with butter and some vermicelli chocolate :s I feel horrible, but it's okay, i can make that up, by not eating something else ! 
I'm getting back on track slowy, i can feel my body getting thinner.
But my face is sooo fucking .. FAT !
I'm sick of that... I'll doe anything !! 
Just help me anyone .... i feel like i'm alone in this process.

Caroline

Today! I think i gained two pounds or so ! I feel so guilty of eating that much !!
I ate so damn much. So many - Sandwiches, and donuts, and candies.
Oh man I feel terrible ! I just went to Macdonalds and ate five fries or so, and a yogurt :s I'm going to get fat ! Grr ! So I'm back from Dylan's place, and i went to his grandma's and i used to computer. I chatted with Bich Huyen, and i can't believe it, she told me she missed me and Yen Kieu too !
That's so weird ! I'm really happy, that she still cares about me. I really thought she didn't care anymore.
Oohww !! I love them so much !..

You know what i just realized? I'm actually really sad because i don't know much about my parent's past, about their childhood, abou how they felt, and what they've been through!
My mom had a few abortions and miscariages... that's really awful, and she doesn't even tell me anything ! I wish she talked to me about stuff. She just hides everything, and that hurts.
I wasn't suppose to be the youngest child, but ... I'm suppose to have a little brother or sister, how can my mom do that to the kid?
That's really awful, but i can understand her.

I wish my parents talked to me more about them, all these years, our problem was always something in the present, or my dad's past. Or about me and my brother. 

Grrr !! I wish i were skinnier. I will put effort into that ! Put effort in being skinny !

Caroline

P.S : I had a really good time in Rupelmonde and in Steendorp, with Dylan's family ! He's so much fun ! :p But he has sticky hands, and that pisses me off ! LOL !

I should think THIN !

Just arrived at the beach with Anny and Julien.

Today i didn't do that much. I feel awful i ate so much.
It's kind of getting absurd, the way food can change our lives, and how we're making a fuss about it!
If you eat too much, you'll get too fat, if you eat to little, your body won't function right!
I don't know, but i have a feeling that i want to be really skinny again. I want to be, thin, beautiful, and sleek.
Maybe it's worth it, maybe the hard work is totally worth it !
I didn't do much for school, and that pisses me off, ... But i'll catch up soon!
And tomorrow i'm going to Dylan Declerck's house. I hope it's going to be fun !
Oh and i got a new cell phone 2680 Nokia, it's okay, not that cool, but i like it, cause my cousin Yen Kieu has it, and i feel like it's a way to proove that i miss her, and that i still look up to her.
I miss her a lot ! I miss Christine too. I don't know what i did to them that hurted them that much ! But now it seems like they don't care anymore.
But people who are meant to be together, will eventually find their ways in the end.
And ...
People who go away and never come back were never really your friends but if they do, they're friends who are worth ANYTHING !

I hope and i believe that Yen Kieu is a true friend, because the way she made me feel, was crazy, she was really my best friend, but she let me down and it hurts me so much, it hurts me EVERYDAY, and the sad part is, i'm doing better and better everyday,
I can't depend on her anymore, or else i'll be the miserable one !

So by the way, i need to move on ! I need to be stronger, and i will.

I need to focuse on being the best in class, to be skinny, beautiful, and to be MYSELF !

I miss Michael, i have a feeling he doesn't love me anymore. I'm so scared he doesn't think about me anymore, cause i hurted him so badly the last time i was with him, but he seems so .. ughh, i love him, and there's no other words, he's the one person that can make me laugh when i'm down, he's ... my first LOVE.
But i doubt my love for him , that's why it never seems to work.

I want to model, i want to act, i want to be beautiful, i want to be, in the show business.

If i had to describe myself right now ;... 

- Someone who wants attention
- Someone who feels like she needs to be more loved
- Someone sensible
- Someone who is insecure
- Someone who strives to be the best, all the time
- Someone who isn't sure who she is
- Someone selfish
- Someone forgiving
- Someone who gives love
- Someone desperate
- Someone Fat.
- Someone who misses her loved ones


But yet i see in that person a beautiful caring loving Girl.

P.S :  I LOVE ONE TREE HILL :)

IT's way too good !

Ugg !! I'm so annoyed, i ate so much today already !
Oh man ... i just opened a pack of cookies and ate two of them already !! I don't want to be fat.. i'm not eating anymore!
Ooh i'm going to watch One tree hill... now ... : Season 1, i love it !
I'm rewatching the whole ... thing !
I miss my mom, my dad, my brother, and my skinny body !


Caroline

School's fun, well it was okay today.
So i arrived at school at 11 a.m. I said i was sick, and if anyone asked me what i had, i said, that i didn't feel well and i was dizzy. And i felt like i needed to faint. ( well that's what i said.
It was P.E, and i told everyone that i was about to faint in the morning and that i had an argument with my mother, but i didn't ... I don't know why i said that, i guess for attention ...
So we had to do wall climbing and when we warmed up, i was kind of in a bad mood,.. 
When we put our belts on to get ready, my teacher was all like oh you're suppose to know how to put it on , and blah blah blah, and i just cried, because i felt like everything i do isn't enough, isn't perfect enough, and it's just never GOOD enough.
The twins, Manon Kruys and Estelle Kruys are so sweet to me ! 
Especially Manon, i have a feeling we get closer and closer to each other everyday, and i love her :p
So I ate lunch with them...
After lunch, i got my grades and they weren't that bad, i had an 18,5/20 for math
and 18/20 for religion :p I'm happy :p
And now i got home ...;

Today I'm feeling, weird, i'm laughing the first minute then crying the next. ughh and what's pissing me off is that i have so much work during my Carnaval Break !

I'm having a feeling that i'm a drama queen ... i need to stop being mean to people and stop complaining, i remembered the first day i arrived at Sacred Heart, i thought everyone were brats that always complain, but now i'm one of them, and i complain as well.
I just wish that i can be close with someone, i wish that person would hug me when i'm sad, that she'll call me at night, that one person who will forgive me for whatever i've done, i'm looking for the person who will always try to understand me , I want that person to be by my side through whatever ! I just wish that, that person will love me more than i love her .... I just want that person to be My BEST FRIED I thought i found that person, well i still think she's the ONE, her name's Yen Kieu, and she means everything to me.
I wish she would come back .. 

P.S : The reason i started this journal is because, i wanted to be honest with myself,i wanted to get to know me more.
And i believe this is going to help me :)

I hope that i'm going to get good grades throughout the year ! 
I'll be so proud of myself, and I'll have finally have something that will make me feel WORTHY !

I wish that i were closer to Giannina NG. My brother's girlfriend, i wish i can talk to her, and be her friend, i wish we can go shopping together. I wish that she will care for me ! And maybe if i were closer to her, my brother will love me more. Because i have a feeling he doesn't. I have a feeling he's trying to get me out of his life.
I miss him every single day! 

Do you think that i can achieve my goals?
- Become an actress?
- Go to an IVY university?
- Get good grades all year round 
- Stop complaining ( that's almost impossible, cause i hate my body ! Well actually it's not THAT bad, i just feel like i HAVE to hate it or else i won't care anymore, and then i'll really become UGLY ! )
- Be a good person
- Try to compliment 3 times a day
- Eat Healthy and Exercise
- Do all my homework and study so i don't have to cram study !
- AND BECOME PERFECT

Perfect = Beautiful, brave, best, cute, adorable, smart, intelligent, useful, happy, smiley, thin, skinny, lovable, great, achieving, successful, friendly, helpful, tall, just perfect

I want to reach perfection to be more loved, to be more attractive, to be respected, to be ME. :)
I know, if i'll sit there and cry just because i feel like i'm nothing and that i'm not loved, i won't get far in life, 
but i know i will get far in life because i deny my problems, and real friends, i don't think i have that, because when i cried, people were like oh, tell me later what happend or are you ok? and then they look away, maybe, Alexiaa, Elena, Manon :)

I love them, they're my friends ....

Byye !!! :)
 

 I just cleaned the house, i feel good now, the house is clean and i burned some calories. My mom didn't eat yet... i think she has an eating disorder, but the worst part is i don't even know she knows that she's ill.. oh well..
I love her so much, but i have a feeling she doesn't love me ....
She's like ashamed of me or something.
I didn't go to school in the morning ... but i'm going in a couple of minutes !
I'm going to Gent today, i'm kind of excited to go, :)
I love Anny and Julien so much !
I hope that i'm going to get a new cell phone, my phone broke, well actually i broke it on purpose, ...
My friend did, i asked her to. (Lana)
OI feeeeeel faaaat !

Carolliiine

 
       I miss my daddy. It's been awhile since I've really talked to him, he's so sweet, and i know he would do anything for me ... 
He's so hard working and loving and caring. Thanks to him, I'm the person who i am today. I love him with all my heart and i can't thank him enough for everything he had done for me. His love was amazing. He changed so much in the past two years, he's not the loving caring dad anymore. He used to give me hugs and kisses, and now it seems like he's scared of doing that. He doesn't hang out with me anymore, it seems like he doesn't have time for me anymore, he's just out, he's kind of not part of the family anymore and that's sad. I used to miss him so much and now it seems like i miss him less and less, and that hurts ... Because, i want to miss him, i want to love him like before, but it doesn't seem the same anymore, the worst part is i have a feeling like it can never be like before. I don't think we can be a whole family anymore, my mom, my dad, my brother and me. That would be a miracle if that would happen. I wish i were small again, i wish i can turn the time and live like before.
     My mom just made everything worst.. She got married to someone else, this guy in Canada, she said she married him for papers, but i don't really believe her, i have a feeling she loves him. Ever since, she married him, my mom is being extremely nice to me, i think she's trying to convince me to go to Canada. But i honestly don't know if i should go.
I know if I'll go there, i can follow my dreams more easily, my dream to become an actress, to succeed in life, etc.
But then if i go, I'll have the feeling of leaving my dad, of leaving Anny and Julien, and Philippe. I really don't want to leave them, I love them so much. More than anyone else. I should have written my sister too, Mydu, but the worst part is, i don't consider her as my sister, she has never been there for me. She's just always jealous of me and my brother and i can't stand her. She's so mean and all she does is criticises me. She says I'm fat, ugly, and she tells me that i'm going to explode ! Well she's not the only one who says that, ... lots of people tell me that.
I wish my mom were the loving mom, the mom who tells me sweet things, the mom who helps me do my homework, who is concerned about my well-being, the mom who would understand my problems, i wish my mom were my best friend, because i love her so much and when she tried to tell me stuff, stuff that she couldn't tell anyone else, she changed her mind and told me that i was too young to understand anything anyways. I probably love my mom the most, she's the one who i look up to. And it hurts me that she doesn't know how i feel, because i just never show her how much i love her, ...she never showed me how much she loved me... it seems like she doesn't even want me to be close to her. I'm so afraid of losing her, when she goes to Canada I don't want her to get too close to her husband. But for my mom i want to move there and try to like the guy she loves, for her anything and everything, but the worst part is, i don't even know what i want.
   I miss my brother, Philippe he's so busy now with his girl friend, he's madly in love with her, and i'm really happy for him, but, i feel like i lost him, we don't do anything fun anymore together, and whenever we try to, his thoughts are elsewhere or he's on the phone, but his attention is never completely with me... I wish i were closer to him. I wish i can love him, and be there for him, but he's just not letting me in his life.
   I miss my best friend, my cousin, .... She was the person who i could tell anything, and everything, she's the one who completely understands me, i wish that she were by my side, i'm having a hard time, and now i need her the most, but i guess, she doesn't even want me anymore, she hates me i bet, ... I don't know what i did to hurt her this much, but i guess she needs her time, to forgive me.
I would do anything to have her back into my life. I miss her...
   I miss Marijke, before she had her kids, she used to be all mine, her attention was a hundred percent on me. She cared about me, loved me, and she gave me everything i  needed and wanted. She was an amazing person to me, and i looked up to her.  But now her husband goes first, her two kids go first and i'm jealous yes i am... 
  I miss being able to be myself. I haven't been 'me'. I miss being outgoing, extravagant, funny, happy, skinny, ...
Who am i kidding, i'm never going to be important enough for someone. I think that's a fact, someone else always goes first.
Maybe, just my dad, i think i'm first, with my dad. He's the one who loves me most, but why does he have such a hard time showing me it?


-------- I want to fall in love ---------------- I want a best friend who would fight for me ------------- I just want my parents to love me --------------

 I just want to be perfect enough to be loved. 
What do i need to be more, enough to be love ?
- Skinny?
- Taller?
- Smatter?
- Cuter?
- More adorable
- Less demanding?

What do you want me to do, to be noticed, to be loved, to be IMPORTANT?

I love you all, from deep down my heart, I'll never forget you, nor love you.

Caroline

Hello,
This is really weird, I decided i should keep a journal to get to know myself better, and just to talk about my feelings, and everything else.
I'm fourteen years old and i live in Europe. I don't know if I like it here. I used to tell myself that i hate it, but actually it's alright, ...
It's where i spent most of my lifetime and people aren't that bad here.
But I'm constantly telling myself that California is better... I do think that, but i'm kind of  used to this place.
Things have been going really well for me ... I'm supposed to be working for school now, but i don't really feel like it. By the way there's nothing due tomorrow, and i have one week off anyways ... So yeah.
I have so many dreams, and goals ... I don't know where to start, people who want to get to know me better i have another blog called skyrock.
www.ng-car0-liine.skyblog.com
Today i went on the street asking people if they wanted to donate some money to the poor in Africa, and only 7 people helped me, and I only raised 12 Euros ..... 
I want so many things .. 
1. Be skinny
2. Be Beautiful
3. Be a good person
4. Get good grades ( A's )
5. Get a boyfriend
6. Make-up with my Best Friend ( my cousin Yen Kieu and Christine )
7. Be helpful
8. Eat healthy
9. Exercise more
10. Study more

..... and start writing on this website, :)

Caroline NG